Attention

Everybody has low points. My desire for attention and affection from others is a thorn that I wish I didn’t have. When I’m around people I can feel normal and loved. But I go through seasons when I’m alone and I’m trapped with my self destructive thoughts. Nobody’s talking to me. Nobody’s thinking about me. It’s selfish but it’s how my mind works. I desire to be wanted by people. My soul craves attention and always needs to be reminded that people care about me. But when that doesn’t come I lock myself away from others. I no longer want to go out and socialize. I no longer want to live. Not that I have a desire for suicide… just that if someone broke into my house I wouldn’t try to stop them from putting 10 bullets into my head. This feeling of having nobody is paralyzing. I know i should rely on God during these times but i don’t. Which obviously makes things worse. Even though I hate the circumstances I put my self in I have no motivation to change it. I just lay on floor. Staring blankly at the ceiling. Wondering when things will get better again. When I no longer have this pit in my stomach. When I can hold a normal conversation with someone and not be anxious for when it will be over. Because surely it will get better. It always does. It’s all about surviving the battle until it’s over.