I believe, but help my unbelief. Silence the voice that tells me you’re not near whenever you don’t speak. When lies and doubts fill my head remind me to praise you even louder. I know every one of my tears does not go unseen. But if you are my Father why don’t I feel your presence. I make my requests known to you, but I’m still in anguish. Your Word says you give peace that surpasses all understanding, but it’s nowhere to be found. My soul is thirsting for a drop of your goodness… A speck of your joy. But I’m left here all alone. Sending up desperate prayers that may never be answered. Instil immovable faith in me. That no matter how much I sink, I know you won’t let me drown. As the battles grow bigger and the days grow darker I will cling to your promises. I will choose to trust in you over what I feel, because my feelings only lead me astray. Sanctify me by whatever means necessary. That I may come out of this abyss brighter than before. And know without a shadow of a doubt that you carried me all the way.

Break my soul in two, looking for you but you’re right here

Where’s the girl who would throw blankets over my barbed wire?

Back when we were still changing for the better, wanting was enough

But your words shoot to kill when you’re mad

Now there’s an ache in me, put there by the ache in you

And I’m left begging for the footnotes in the story of your life

Reaching out across the sea that you put between you and me

I think I’ve seen this film before

I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best

But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standing with me

I can’t make it go away by making you a villain 

After giving you the best I had, tell me what to give after that

I always felt I must look better in the rear view

You drew stars around my scars, but now I’m bleeding

And you asked me to dance but I said, dancing is a dangerous game

It’s hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you

I rewind the tape but all it does is pause on the very moment all was lost

Did I close my fist around something delicate, did I shatter you?

Your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in

And just like a folk song our love will be passed on

With one single thread of gold tying me to you

If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were still around

But I’m a fire, and I’ll keep your brittle heart warm

If your cascade ocean wave blues come

Just one single glimpse of relief, to make some sense of what you’ve seen

And if you’re ever tired of being known for who you know, you know, you’ll always know me

I still talk to you, when I’m screaming at the sky

And when you can’t sleep at night, you hear my stolen lullabies

Your touch brought forth an incandescent glow, tarnished but so grand

You taught me a secret language I can’t speak with anyone else

But still you dropped my hand while dancing

So much for summer love and saying it’s us because you weren’t mine to lose

We never painted by the numbers, but we were making it count

I bet you had a marvelous time ruining everything

You would always go past where our feet could touch

My life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

And you’ll poke that bear ’til the claws come out and you find something to wrap your noose around

I think you did it but I just can’t prove it

But If you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it, will it patch these broken wings

Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you

I’m still on that trapeze, I’m still trying everything, to keep you looking at me

Fly me away. Grab my hand and float me out of this entangled abyss. This is what it feels like to be drowning but still breathing. My mind is scattered down here. Time doesn’t move. The small view of the surface that I have gives me no clear answers to what I will look like when I get out of this. So what is it I’m holding on to if hope isn’t there. It’s terrifying to think that I thought I was swimming in the right direction. How long will it stay like this. How long will prayers go unanswered. The more I struggle the deeper I sink. Am I waiting on someone to rescue me or is this my great escape?

If something seems to good to be true it probably is

Eventually the rubber band gets stretched to thin and it snaps, damaging everything in its path

Trust takes so long to build but it’s a glass feeling that breaks at the first touch of conflict

Lies that break the world around you made worse by the realization that they’ve been present this whole time

Joy is a feeling we long for when it’s missing but don’t appreciate when it’s found

Left with more questions than answers, the one that still remains

What happens when the healing never comes

The spotlight on her face, reveals two black eyes

The world just sees a smile, but doesn’t know what’s hidden inside

Underneath the layers hides a power that nobody knows

That keeps getting stronger through all of the strikes and blows

Each day she climbs to the heights of her dreams

Only to fall down to a cold reality, that unravels her at the seams

Whether it’s in pubic or private she can’t bare the shame

Of her failures being ridiculed by the world making a parody of her name

But her life rolls on, seemingly unbothered by it all

Clinging to the hope that she’ll reach her dreams, without the great fall

People and time will pass by, never knowing what pain existed

Because all of that was locked up, and when it tried to escape she resisted

So go on little creature go on, and live the life you’ll never quite reach

Because your mind is in the forest, but your heart is on the beach

These are the words and feelings for today

That our Panda friends will never get to say

Puppy go woof woof
Cow go moo
Piggy go oink oink
How bout you
Chicken go cluck cluck
Ducky go quack
Baby go wah wah
From the hay stack
Sheep go bah bah
Horsey go neigh
Farmer go glug glug
To end his day
The sun goes up
And smiles on down
It says “good morning all!”
To the little farm town
The crops spring up
And sing for joy
At the birth of the farmers baby boy

But the boy grew up
And took the farmers land
And replaced it with a factory
At the wave of his hand
The end.

The world is falling. All the pieces of my life over the last few years have been stacked up so carefully just to crash to the ground in seconds. All that’s left is wanting to start something new. Something completely different. A decision so inviting but so cautious and fearful. On one side you make new friends… new first impressions.. I can make them believe whatever I want them to believe about me. I get a career where I can be my own boss and be able to provide for my future family. On the other side is leaving everything behind. What little comforts are still left but at least they still exist. People and relationships I may have missed out on. But how can I stay when everyday I’m suffocating more and more. Like someone has a bag around my head and it just keeps getting tighter and tighter. Stuck in this monotonous cycle of discontentment for where life has taken me and fear of the opportunities that can change everything. I’m reaching my hand out in complete darkness, just hoping someone will grab it and take me to where I’m supposed to be. To where I belong. Maybe someday that will happen. But sooner or later I’m going to have to jump. And there’s no telling what will await at the bottom.

This is the darkest day I’ve had in a long time. I’m writing this in tears as the friendship I once found security in is slowly slipping from my grasp. Moments that used to be comforting are now filled with an air of awkwardness that has welcomed itself in without an invitation. Conversations that used to be natural or now hiding in places that will never be found. The person I knew I could go to with any problem, any funny story, or just if I needed to feel loved is now a giant question mark. It’s my worst nightmare come true and I don’t know what to do about it. I want to say something but I’m paralyzed with fear. Fear that the answer to all of my worries and concerns will leave me feeling worse than the feeling I have now. Fear that if we have that conversation that things will be changed for good. I’m in a room with 1000 doors and only one of them leads to the outcome I want. But one way or another one of them will be opened eventually.

It started with hello

A hello that blossomed into something unexpected

Something unique, something special just to us

A friendship that alternates back and forth between one person pulling the other out of darkness

All while making sure the opposite feels loved and cherished

A friendship that no matter how many walls are built, they are built knowing that they will come down eventually.

Until all that’s left is vulnerability

A moment so raw and pure that most people never get to taste it

A moment that takes months of breaking down and mending to get to

Knowing that through all of the uncomfortable moments and awkward silences that something beautiful will flourish because of it.

An unbreakable bond that is sealed by all the hardships.

Thank you for being you

Thank you for being my anchor.

Everybody has low points. My desire for attention and affection from others is a thorn that I wish I didn’t have. When I’m around people I can feel normal and loved. But I go through seasons when I’m alone and I’m trapped with my self destructive thoughts. Nobody’s talking to me. Nobody’s thinking about me. It’s selfish but it’s how my mind works. I desire to be wanted by people. My soul craves attention and always needs to be reminded that people care about me. But when that doesn’t come I lock myself away from others. I no longer want to go out and socialize. I no longer want to live. Not that I have a desire for suicide… just that if someone broke into my house I wouldn’t try to stop them from putting 10 bullets into my head. This feeling of having nobody is paralyzing. I know i should rely on God during these times but i don’t. Which obviously makes things worse. Even though I hate the circumstances I put my self in I have no motivation to change it. I just lay on floor. Staring blankly at the ceiling. Wondering when things will get better again. When I no longer have this pit in my stomach. When I can hold a normal conversation with someone and not be anxious for when it will be over. Because surely it will get better. It always does. It’s all about surviving the battle until it’s over.